Things That Are SHOCKING in the Mid-Morning

Hard Liquor.

Old Sparky (shocking no matter how you dice it).

Violet falling asleep for nap time in her own bed without nursing at all whatsoever.

Chi Chi Monster

"C" is for Cookie, but also for "Chi Chi".

As if aware that the end is near, Violet has stepped up her demands to nurse during the day.

By the way, did you know there is a Muppet Wiki? I totally just made your day, didn't I? Just admit it. Check it out.

Here's My Lighter, You Can Use it to Burn That $10 Bill in Your Pocket

Who wants to pay good money for practically nothing? Ooo, ooo, I do! I do! Pick me! Pick me!

I took Ivy to Pattycakes today for what was supposed to be a full hour of craft, tea, and decorating her own cupcake. I paid $10.

Half an hour later, we walked out with a little balsa wood key chain (50 cents at Michael's) that Ivy scribbled on with markers. I thought there was supposed to be a story (I could be wrong here) but that never happened (I over heard the clerk say they were supposed to watch a video for the second half hour, but their TV was broken). They could have used a story, it would cost them nothing if they checked it out of the library.

The tea was just lemonade (just because you serve it in teacups does not make it "tea", people!!) The cupcake was about the size of a golf ball that had clearly been on that crazy lemon water and cayenne pepper diet. And "decorating" it meant someone else piped on a small dollop of frosting and the kids sprinkled on one spoonful of pink sprinkles. Good times.

So what was I really paying for? Apparently, for teacups hanging from the wall, Restoration Hardware lotion in the bathroom, and cute displays:

Tell me that is not the saddest excuse for a decorated cupcake you ever did see:

 But look! Her paper plate has hearts on it! And look at that cute chair she is sitting in! If only she could appreciate those things. Alas, she is three. All she knows is that she didn't really decorate her tiny cupcake, which she will finish in 2 small bites.

 "Is that it?"

In conclusion, I could have done far more at home for that amount of money, and invited all of Ivy's friends. My recommendation is don't waste your money on this pointless exercise.

Muppet Week Goes Verbal

The first phrase I have ever heard Violet put together happened last night. There were 2 phrases, actually. Both muppet-related, natch. Granted, Phillip heard her say "I want mom" last week, but this was the first time for me. She said:

1) "I want chi chi" *

and

2) "Más chi chi" 

I may be in trouble here.

Just for fun, check out celebrity-muppet look alikes here. I mean real muppets, not my little euphemism. That would be weird.


* Spanish slang for muppets. Pronounced "chee chee". This is your word of the day.

Muppet Week

I decided that yesterday's post will retroactively kick off Muppet Week, since I am traveling the difficult journey of trying to wean a baby that is not too interested in weaning. Let's see just how far I can take my own ridiculous ideas. Welcome to Muppet Week!

My second night of weaning went alright. She wasn't happy but she put herself back to sleep a couple of times. She still went Great White in the morning though!

Today I am rewriting the lyrics of "Let My People Go".

Let My Muppets Go

When Violet was in Nursing Land,
Let my Muppets go,
Oppressed so hard they could not stand,
Let my Muppets go.

Chorus Go down, Mommy, Way down in Nursing Land. Tell ol' Violet, Let my Muppets go.

It's time to learn, tired Mommy said,
Let my Muppets go,
If not, I'll throw you in your bed,
Let my Muppets go.

Chorus Go down, Mommy, Way down in Nursing Land. Tell ol' Violet, Let my Muppets go.

O let them now from bondage flee

Let my Muppets go,
And let them now in life be free
Let my Muppets go.

Free My Muppets!

It's time to free my muppets from tyranny, oppression and injustice. The imprisonment of my muppets is terribly vexing, as is all Muppet Abuse, so we are going to protest, and I am circulating a petition to free them.

What I am trying to say is that I have started the process of night weaning Violet.

Our protest chant is going to be:

“Muppet Abuse has got to go! hey hey! ho ho!”

Oh, and also "Uvas No!" That one is just for good measure.

New Excuses for Not Eating Broccoli

Ivy's other BFFs include green beans, asparagus, and lettuce.

source

Tortilla Flambe

As I tried to save my pot of Fideo Soup from boiling over I forgot about the tortillas and they went up in flames.

In case you are not aware, Fideo Soup is a staple of old Mexican grandmothers. Quesadillas are staples of pretty much everyone. That brings me to reflect upon the dichotomy of my Hispanic-American culture. I was cooking Fideo Soup so we could eat dinner at 5pm*.

In case you are wondering, my Fideo Soup tastes like it was made by this lady:

I should tell you there is a positive correlation between the number of wrinkles on her face and the deliciousness of her soup.

* Many Latino families don't eat until 7pm or later. In my family it was more like 9pm.

Let's Paint Delicate Breakables!

This:

+ this:

= Potential disaster.

Nonetheless, The Artful Potter on Eastern and Pebble is a unique and entertaining activity with two possible restrictions:

1) The ceramics are pricey considering they are blank and unfinished pieces that will soon have baby scribbles on them
2) Doing this with an Octotoddler in tow may cost you even more money

On the (very) positive side was the friendly and helpful manager (one Elizabeth), who not only happily welcomed 2 small kids and a dog prepared to wreak havoc, but who also wrote on our bowls in an adorable curl script. She just made the whole experience so much easier than it otherwise would have been. When Violet hit critical mass at nap time she even offered a little lollipop to soothe the savage beast.



I highly recommend the Artful Potter, though I suggest it for kids 5 and up. Sure, 3 year olds can do it. But for a $16 mug plus $5 to paint, it better turn out to be a Picasso. What I'm saying is I expect my children to crank out masterpieces by the age of 5. If an elephant can do it, so can they. It's time to earn your keep, girls.

You Know You're a Mom When...

...you wake up in the baby's room at 4am and try to comfort her for no apparent reason.

While taking Princess for a walk yesterday evening, Phillip was coaching Ivy on how to get the dog to walk along nicely instead of lingering at every shrub.

Phillip: You have to show her who's boss, so tug her gently and say "Princess!"

Ivy (softly): Dog! Come on, Dog!

Phillip: You have to call her Princess. Be strong.

(Ivy continues to ineffectively let the dog linger)

Phillip (encouragingly): Tell her, "You may be a Princess, but I'm the Queen!"

Ivy (shouting): Listen, Princess! My dad's a queen!!

No Money, No Energy, No Problem

The Springs Preserve play area:

It's fun.
It's free.
Its Land of the Lost, minus the Sleetaks:

"Ahms a-gonna eatchoo...."

If you thought you had to have Disneyland-level energy and pay the $10 entrance fee to benefit from the Springs Preserve, I am here to tell you that you don't. This little park is hidden beyond the amphitheater and features a sandbox, a small fountain kids can play with, turtle shells to spin inside of, and a cute little train that goes nowhere really, really fast. It's not huge and it's self-contained, so you don't have to chase very far after your kids.

As an exercise in the useless you will need to ask for a ticket to the park area at the window. Bring a picnic lunch and eat at the fake-grass amphitheater or use the $10 you saved at the Wolfgang Puck Cafe.

For my single male readers with no children (you know who you are), you are sure to be interested in the EggStravaganza Celebration on April 3rd from 10am-12pm, which is free except for the Egg Hunt, which is $8. But the bunny petting zoo is open to all.

I mean these:

Not these:

Sometimes I deeply regret the places my sarcasm takes me.

Hooray for Pets!

Here is our new dog, Princess:

And here are the girls, ignoring the dog but having a ball with the kennel:

I Have Developed an Eye Twitch.

Violet is super fun in public bathrooms.

Natalie Dee

Krispy Kreme - You Know They are Serious When They Spell Things with a "K"

Before you read this, be forewarned that Krispy Kreme is a vipers' nest of donuts. These evil confections will straight up lash out and bite you on the love handle. And it hurts so good.

In order to lure you into their den of sweet horrors, the Krispy Kreme on Eastern and Silverado Ranch first sucks in your poor, innocent children with tiny table and chairs, a full toy box, a chalkboard, and then finishes them off with a donut with sprinkles of death. All while you distractedly sip your coffee and chat it up with the other moms. Bad mommy!

Kids' donut-gazing area

Recap:
An evil den of delicious crack-bearing donuts - check!
Toys and play area for kids - check!
Comfy mommy area- check!
Rodent of Unusual Size? - check!

Someone please call the Health Department.

Viewer Discretion - May Cause Heart Attacks

Just one more reason why the Toyota Prius is dangerous.

Today I watched my 15-month old child turn the car on and put it into gear. Without keys. There is no ignition, just a start button that works as long as the keys are somewhere near the car.

Thank heavens she cannot work the emergency brake. Yet.

The Tea Gets Rocked (like a Rock Star, not like a Lullabye)

Let's talk about tea, and how you can rock it. I know tea evokes images of dainty sandwiches and British accents. But all that is changing, altered irrevocably by the influence of Las Vegas showmanship.

I am talking about Rock the Tea, a place for girlie girls that combines dress up with tea time. For parties, your daughter can dress up as either a storybook princess or a pop princess. Either way, its princesses. And tea. Did I mention tea? And by tea I mean pink lemonade served in little tea sets.

On Mondays at noon they have story time with milk and cookies for $5, which is cute because the milk is also served in tiny tea cups. Must find out if actual tea is ever served. Around 2 or 3pm they have dress up time, though I didn't take my girls to that yet so I don't know how much it costs or what is included. I am so full of details its overwhelming.

Sadly I don't have any boyish/gender neutral activity reviews yet, but I did suggest to the Rock the Tea lady that she should open a shop for boys called Rock the Beef Jerky. They can dress up in camo, run around in mazes, climb a rock wall and play war games. She didn't seem that jazzed about my idea for some reason. Inexplicable.

Give Me My Coffee Now.

Things That Are EVIL First Thing in the Morning

Alarm Clocks



Darth Vader (Evil 24/7)

Exercise

Chupacabras at Sunset Park

I have been avoiding Sunset Park (at Sunset and Eastern) because the name makes me think of a depressed park with a postage sized patch of dry grass where the asphalt in the basketball court is cracked and faded on a hot, smoggy day in L.A. Yeah, it evokes all that for me.


But I went today with the girls, and it wasn't too shabby. They had unique features such as a swaying platform and a slide made out of rollers, amongst other things.

What the - ??

We didn't stay long because I find parks tremendously boring. So just the fact that I take them to the park at all should win me a Mother of the Year award. I am selfless when it comes to my girls.

They also have these great multi-color rollers set into the sides of the play structure, which are used for public spelling lessons.

Oh, and while we are on the topic, we tried to take a walk through the large expanse of grass only to find these little animal "landmines" all over the place. The odd thing was that they were all perfectly uniform in size! And they were to be found every couple of steps. I am thinking Chupacabra, who's with me?

UPDATE: Apparently aerating a lawn creates this lovely effect. Apparently I have never had to aerate a lawn, nor have I ever known anyone who takes such good care of their lawn. Because I had never seen this before. I am disappointed its not a Chupacabra.

Possessed Dolls

I want to make a note about dolls. The ones that talk. And make strange sounds resembling a demonic moan instead of a cry. I want to know why can't they make an animated toy that doesn't resemble Talky Tina from the Twilight Zone.

Anybody else out there have a creepy doll in their kids' toy chest, or is it time for me to call an old priest and a young priest?

"My name is Talky Tina, and I'm going to kill you!"

Pizza Shark

We went to dinner tonight at Settebello, the most delicious and unbelievably authentic Italian pizza in Las Vegas. I went to Italy just last year so I promise the comparison is fresh in my memory.

I'm uncontrollable at Settebello. I go Great White on that pizza.



Usually I can't remember anything afterward except how amazing it was. I like to dip the crust in their ridiculously flavorful olive oil. Actually, I want to drink the olive oil, but dipping is more socially acceptable. I hold back for my family's sake.

Luckily for you, my dear Las Vegas mamas, it counts as majorly child-friendly when the hostess and several waiters listen to your child talk a never-ending stream of nonsense with smiles and interested responses. Tonight also happened to be my very first child-related broken dish in a respectable establishment. Opa!! Here's to many more to come!

I Heart Rough Mornings

Have you ever been so tired that you fall asleep in a strange position for a really long time?

I did that this morning after fetching Violet from her room and bringing her into my bed for some early morning napping. An hour later, I woke up with the right side of my face and neck completely numb. If I had been less groggy I would have tried to chase the girls around the house like a deranged female Phantom of the Opera... and not even the romantic crooning Phantom that my half-face resembled. I would have been the scary Lon Chaney version. Only much scarier because of my fierce morning dragon breath and my sleep-tangled hair.

Ballet Princess Fairy Magic

Today was ballet class for Ivy (left). Not any ballet class, a class at Fairytales & Tutus. I am secretly obsessed with this ballet studio. When I say "secretly" I mean in the way that press releases and Facebook updates are secret. Like really, really private. So private, in fact, that it's the topic of one of the articles I wrote for the Desert Companion. Some things you just have to hold close to the chest.

The girls dress up during each class as a different fairy tale theme and incorporate it into dance. Today's theme was Thumbelina. If you have a young daughter, I highly recommend Fairytales & Tutus to stimulate both their imagination and the development of their gross motor skills.

And rest assured that when you see your daughter dressed up in all sorts of adorable costumes, you will become a parental paparazzo jockeying for position at the viewing window with your camera. It's inevitable. Like manifest destiny. Or like being in the drive-thru at Starbucks and changing your mind about just walking in for your latte, only to realize 3 other cars have already pulled up behind you. Or like being a puppet attached to the strings of your daughter's merciless cuteness. Then some multi-media genius will capture the ignominious image of you knocking your head on the window and post it on their blog for all the world to see. I am not saying me, I am just saying... someone.

Humiliating Puppet Theater

Ivy: Look, mom your belly is really popping out!!

Me (sucking it in): How’s that, better?

Ivy: No, its still just popping out.

Me (thinking, “That’s sad, I am sucking it in as hard as I can!”): Oh well…

Ivy: Mom, I love your belly, its soooo cute! (pats my stomach, gives me a hug and rests her head on my belly)

Me: Ummm… thanks.

Ivy (lifts up my shirt): Hello, belly!

Ivy then grabs my fat roll and makes my belly button speak like a puppet. “Hello, Ivy!” (in a deeper voice)

She gasps in surprise, “Oh! Mommy your belly said hi to me!”

Me (sighing): Yeaaaah…huh. How ’bout that.

Ivy: Awwww, your belly loves me!

Aaaaaaannnnd, SCENE!

Great Buns, Toots.

Who doesn't love a logo with a giant butt? I know I do. Giant butts rock. I should know, I have one. It has served me well over the years.

The point is I went to Great Buns Bakery this morning. Its a commercial bakery with a storefront that anyone can walk into. If you have kids old enough to notice stuff that exists beyond the sippy cup in their hand, it's also fun to point out the behind the scenes baking, which is clearly visible between the displays.

One of the great things about Great Buns (besides melt-in-you-mouth super fresh pastries) is how inexpensive it is - I bought a huge loaf of bread that is at least twice the size of grocery store loaves and 5 pastries for $4.50 . Uh oh... I get it now... pastries... oversized nalgas*...They are marketing geniuses!

I can totally eat this on Weight Watchers, get off my back!

*Nalgas is Spanish for butt cheeks. It's your word of the day. Stick with me and you will learn more than just "Como esta".

Let's Play in a Petri Dish!

My girls are ping ponging their germs back and forth. I blame basically every public child-friendly thing that my girls are interested in touching. How much do sterile plastic bubbles cost?


nataliedee.com

My Muppets

Are you a nursing, babywearing, midwife-consulting mama? Yeah, me too. We seem to be plentiful in Las Vegas these days.














I love nursing my 1-year old, Violet. The emotional connection that stems from this just cannot be beat. But at the moment, its getting really, really old. Ever since she got sick around Christmas time she has stepped it up and went from nursing once a day to nursing every hour or two during the day and 2-3 times at night. She is nursing right now.

And my muppets* hurt. I am starting to wish she would wean already.


*My 3-year old, Ivy, confuses the word for muppets with nipples. I will henceforth refer to my nipples as muppets. I encourage you to do the same for yours, it adds a certain je ne se quoi when you are discussing nursing.